I think I’ve discovered the purpose for my blog.
One of the biggest parts of my personality has always been my concern over what others think of me. In some ways this has been a strength. However, my husband has shown me a different way of being, because he is so good at recognizing that his view of himself is more important than anyone else’s opinion of him. And I think he also gives himself a lot of mercy and space to overcome weaknesses.
Starting this blog has already caused me anxiety over what others think. I have had to tell myself multiple times that it only matters what I think of myself and what God thinks of me.
Growing up, repentance always seemed scary to me because I was not good at even simply saying, “Sorry.” I’m still not. It is hard for me to admit when I’m wrong. A few years ago, I started to change my attitude about repentance when I read this scripture:
“you should not have feared man more than God.” –Doctrine & Covenants 3:7
I realized I was absolutely fearing man more than God.
“thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men…For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” –Matthew 16:23, 26
What would it matter if everyone around me thought I was “perfect” and didn’t know of my sins, when the only person whose opinion really mattered eternally knew I was not willing to repent? So, I began the process of putting God first in my life.
Recently I read this scripture and recognized that I still have a lot of work ahead of me in regards to fear:
“strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble” –Doctrine & Covenants 67:10
Maybe I will write about jealousy and humility another day, but after posting about this blog on Facebook for the first time, I woke up in the night and felt that familiar ‘fear of man’ creep in. Have you heard of the mind-gut connection? Well, it is very true for me. My stomach started churning as the fear encompassed me. But I remembered the scripture above and prayed to God to take away my fear. Thankfully, I felt my stomach settle and peace return.
As I continue to blog, I hope my fear of man will be tamed; and I hope my fear of the Lord will increase.
“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” –Psalms 111:10