Failing and Trying Again

Sometimes it feels like God sends you love when you really need it. I made a few minute trip out in public to grab a couple things at the grocery store today, and the bread guy told me I was amazing out of nowhere, an old woman said what a cute crew I had, and a man who’d had surgery asked me to help him. They were literal angels to me.

Today was a hard day. The kind of day where I felt like I had no friends and threw a pity party in my head. The kind of day where I felt like I’m no good to anyone.

I have this strong desire to improve myself and share what I learn; but when I share, I think it must come out all wrong like either I know everything or I am condemning everyone.

I know I am not good at separating disagreement from dislike of me personally. So I have a hard time with people disagreeing with me when I’ve put myself out there so boldly. Hence, maybe the reason why I was supposed to start a blog? I think I sense a weakness… I try to tell myself it is a good thing that people feel comfortable sharing their opinions with me. I should be more self-assured and okay with most people disagreeing with me. But man… sometimes I could just go for a whole lot of YES people, haha. So then I post pictures of my daughter because the love pours in. 😊

I know there is surely much I am supposed to learn from this. It just hurts. But I intend to grow from this hurt I feel and hopefully come out a better person. I hope I can also use others’ opinions and perspectives to inform my own opinion. I am constantly reminded that I need to humble myself, rid myself of pride, repent, and look to the Lord for approval. If I have nothing but pure desire to serve Him and do His will, then it helps me love myself.

I’ll tell you what, I have a lot respect for any leaders who try to take a stand on moral issues. I think in my first blog post, I wrote how I love words. Well, I take it back. Words never fully convey what I want them to. Although I am better at written words than I am at spoken, it feels like the messages I write are never whole and fully capture my heart. Besides the fact that words are permanent, and opinions can change.

Something else that has been on my mind… I’ve noticed I have some social issues, and my friend mentioned that maybe I have some personality aspects outlined in an Aspergers diagnosis. Well, I read about Aspergers on Wikipedia, and what do you know- I totally think I have some of those characterizations. That moment of realization was really humbling.

“verbosity, restricted prosody…difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity (social “games” give-and-take mechanic), and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture…

Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people…abrupt transitions, …Speech may convey a sense of incoherence; the conversational style often includes monologues about topics that bore the listener, fails to provide context for comments…”

Oyyy. Yes, I think I sometimes display all of these things. So then I was left at-where do I go with that information? I can let it lead me to embarrassment and social isolation…or I can work to overcome it. I can challenge myself to change some of these things. I can push myself to engage in conversations even when it feels scary, and I might fail. I can love myself despite these weaknesses, and sometimes that is the hardest thing of all.

Kent and I have been telling our kids a lot recently that it’s okay to fail; failing means you’re learning. Those who are successful have had lots of failures and just keep trying. So here I am… still trying.